Today was my birthday. It really was a day of mixed emotions. I woke up fairly early after another restless night, and was greeted with breakfast from my amazing husband. He really is do everything "right" through all this... I really wanted to be mad at him at first for going about life and watching TV and playing and laughing with Brooklyn, etc., but it's exactly what he needs to do. He's supporting me, and he's always lending a shoulder for me to cry on, but Brooklyn needs him to be playing and laughing with her, because it's not that easy for me yet. I know it's different for him than it is for me because he isn't carrying Eden, and he may never feel the pain quite the same as I am, but I know he's still feeling the pain of losing a child.
After we ate breakfast, we listened to Eden on our heart rate doppler. Until today, she's been so wiggly we've had a hard time really listening to her heartbeat, but she let us listen to her today for a long time. She has a beautiful, strong heartbeat. It's truly a wonderful sound. We could also hear her moving around and kicking and wiggling. I feel like her letting us listen for so long was her birthday gift to me. It makes me incredibly sad that this is the only one of my birthdays that Eden will get to spend with me. It kept hitting me throughout random parts of the day, especially at times when Brooklyn was enjoying the birthday cake or trying to open Mommy's presents.
I did smile several times today. I smiled when we listened to Eden's heartbeat, I smiled when Brooklyn did something funny, I smiled at other random smile-moments. I even think I laughed a few times today. It's reassuring that I'm still able to smile and laugh on occasion, because these last few days it has felt like I'll never be able to smile again. That doesn't mean I haven't cried today though, because I have - several times. But I seem to run out of tears a little quicker, and whether that is a physical thing, or God making me a little stronger, I'm grateful. I don't like to cry.
There's a huge list of things we want to do to remember and honor Eden with. I'll write that list a little later, because I don't want to forget anything, but a really big thing on that list is to get a 3D/4D ultrasound so we can "see" her and get some cute pictures of her before she's born. We weren't sure how we were going to get the money together to be able to do one, but God blessed us today. A family member and her family not only got us one 3D/4D session, but two sessions for us to see our little girl, complete with a Teddy Bear that will play her heartbeat. We are so completely grateful for this gift, and they have no idea how much it means to our family. This gift also made me smile, and it make me cry, but tears of joy rather than sorrow. We'll get pictures, videos, and even a place online where the rest of our family and friends can go to watch the Ultrasound session, whenever they want. We hope to have our first session within the next month, and we'll do the second session at around 30 weeks or so.
I also want to thank everyone who's praying for us and thinking about us. Your support through all of this makes me feel a little less alone. It's still hard to not feel alone sometimes, because fortunately most people haven't had to deal with something like this, and they usually don't know what to do or say. But being surrounded by people and love is making it a little easier to get through this, so know that we appreciate it.