Thursday, July 26, 2012

Peace Lily

I think I've said this before, but God has given me tremendous peace. I read a blog that described this journey of carrying a child with anencephaly as a series of peaks and valleys. It's surprising, especially to myself, but through this so far, God's given me more peaks than valleys. I'm able to laugh with my family, and smile, and sew, and complete my homework, and smile at Eden's kicks, and do all the other stuff that is part of my normal life, and I think I appreciate it all just a little more than I used to. Of course, there are times when I get sad because it'll just hit me outta nowhere that I'll never get to see Eden do the stuff that Brooklyn is doing, like learning to talk, or that I might never hear Eden cry or get to see her beautiful eyes, but then I remind myself that right now she's alive, and right now she's happy and safe inside me, and even once she's gone, only we are going to be sad. It isn't going to suck for her like it sucks for us - she gets to go be with Jesus, and she'll be sitting in my great-grandmother's arms watching out for us. It just sucks for us because we won't get to watch her grow up.

My new Peace Lily hanging in my kitchen.
Something I've realized through all of this, is people really care about us. I have some really special friends and family, and even the occasional stranger (who are just people I've yet to become friends with yet) who go out of their way to reach out to me and let me know they are thinking of me in one way or another. Today I received a beautiful Peace Lily from a couple of really amazing friends. It's so incredibly symbolic of the peace God has given me, and I smile every single time I look at it. I've hung it in my kitchen so I can look at it everyday. It couldn't have been a more perfect gift given at truly the right time, and I thank you ladies so much. <3

A different friend has ordered us a beautiful gown made in Bethlehem for us to put little Eden in when she's born, and she's also taken my wedding dress and having parts of it made into a cuddle blanket for Brooklyn, and a sweet blanket for us to wrap Eden in. She's also going to give us back what's left over, so we can make future children special blankets with pieces of my dress. Another friend is making us a soft bamboo velour newborn diaper to put on Eden when she's born so we won't have to use one of our scratchy worn out fitted diapers on her. We are also going to be getting a Molly Bear once Eden is born from a really sweet lady who reached out to me after reading Eden's story. These bears are made for parents who have lost their babies to help comfort them when their arms are feeling empty. It will be weighted to Eden's birth weight.

Today we had a routine OB appointment. We got to look at Eden for a few minutes on the ultrasound, but we weren't able to get a good picture of her. We also got to listen to her beautiful heartbeat. This sounds weird, but I felt bad for my OB because how sad he seemed. He's wonderful, and he's been completely wonderful through all this, but I think it's hard for him to know what to do in this sort of situation...we also probably aren't handling this like "normal" people handle stuff like this, or maybe he's just been fortunate enough to not have to go through this sort of thing before with a patient. I really wanted to tell him he doesn't have to be sad at our appointments, that we aren't sad right now (though we do have our moments) and that we are celebrating Eden's life. I just wasn't sure how to tell him - I guess I could have just said that though. I forgot to let him know about her blog too. I need to be sure and do that next time, so maybe he won't feel as sad for us right now.

While at my appointment, we discussed birth, and he said that we'd be given the option of inducing at 37 weeks (because these babies don't typically come on their own), but we could also go to 40 weeks if we choose. I'm not going to make that decision right now, but I'm going to leave it up to how we feel when we get to that point. My first daughter was very large when she came at 38 weeks, 5 days, weighing in at 10lbs 11oz (and I'm positive about her gestation, and Eden's, because I'm obsessive like that), so if Eden shows the same growth patterns, it could be beneficial to induce when she's smaller rather than waiting for her to get much bigger. Normally, I'd laugh at inducing for a large baby, but since the top portion of her head is missing, we are really going to be relying on the waters to dilate me, and a smaller baby could mean me having to dilate a little less than a much larger baby. Because of the circumstances, I'm going to be allowed to be induced (if need be) and give birth at the small hospital that I birthed my first daughter at. I'm very relieved that I won't be sent away to a big hospital with nobody that I know for this birth - I think a small hospital with people I know and trust surrounding me will lead to a more calm and healing birth, which also gives Eden a better chance at surviving her birth.

Thank you everyone, for all your thoughts and prayers, and for caring so much about our family. We are truly, truly blessed to have such supportive family and friends surrounding us, and I can't express enough how much you all mean to us.

Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ.


  1. I am so very proud of you. Thank you for sharing!

  2. I cried as I read this blog. You are an incredible and strong woman. I admire you for being able to go through and share this with others. May your story be an eternal inspiration to others in your position in the future. I will be praying for you and your family in the coming months. Thank you so much for sharing your life and your story.