Today I am 24 weeks, which means today is Eden's V-day. V-day stands for "viability day". This day is usually a huge sigh of relief to moms, because it means if their baby was born now, there is a chance of them surviving outside of the womb, though not without a lot of help. In actuality, the "viability" of each baby can vary to a degree (some have survived who were born at 23 weeks), but most hospitals have policies that require a baby to be 24 weeks before they'll use extreme measures to keep the baby alive. This day was a day I was so excited and relieved to hit with Brooklyn...I felt so SAFE once I hit 24 weeks, especially since girls seem to have better survival rates when born very prematurely.
I woke up this morning knowing it was Eden's V-day...I had dreams about it last night. It put me in a sad mood from the minute I put my feet on the floor. Her V-day doesn't mean that she is viable...Eden will never be viable... I can't carry her long enough for her to be able to survive when she's born. She's going to have eternal life with Jesus, I have no doubt, but her body wasn't designed to survive on this Earth, and it just shatters me.
This day has been bittersweet. For the first time I saw my belly jump a LOT when she was kicking me, but I was so sad James wasn't home to see or feel it. He still hasn't felt her kick yet, and I'm praying he does soon. I spent time with family tonight and had a wonderful time, but it makes me sad Eden will never be running around my parents' house getting into stuff and being "bribed" for affection with cookies. It sucks so much that I'm not going to be able to get to know this amazing little girl who already has a huge piece of my heart. I want to get to know her so bad. I want her to keep me up all night by kicking my head, and have me wake up at 6:30 every morning, and I want her to stand at the fridge and whine because she wants MORE food after eating enough to feed six grown men.
My pregnancy ticker on my phone says I have 112 days left of my pregnancy...but in reality, I don't even have that long. Even my first daughter was born before 40 weeks, and we'll probably end up inducing around 37 weeks with Eden if she seems to follow the same growth patterns as Brooklyn (she was almost 11lbs when she was born). I think the bigger Eden is, the more pressure will be put on her head during birth, and I know the more pressure on her head, the lesser her chances of surviving the birth....and I desperately want her to survive her birth. There are so many things I have to do before then - I still don't have the actual funeral planned, I am going to have to write a new birth plan (since Brooklyn's wouldn't fit the situation), plan birth announcements, re-contact NILMDTS because they still haven't gotten back to me about pictures, talk to the lady about the Duke University Anencephaly Study, figure out what I'm going to need in my hospital bag, and possibly get one packed, write an obituary...things that should never be said in the same sentence yet I have to do them, ideally sooner rather than later.
There's more I want to write - more I'm supposed to write, but those are different posts entirely, and I know when it's time to get them finished and published, God will let me know. Right now I'm too tired, both physically and emotionally. And so I'm ending this post by asking for specific prayers. Please pray that when the time comes to make the decision of when we are bringing Eden in to the world (whether that be at 40 weeks, 37 weeks, or earlier if complications arise), that we let God lead us, and that we keep our hearts open to listen to Him so we are sure we are making the right decision at the right time, or that if God takes the situation out of our hands, that we accept it with grace and peace.
Happy V-day my beautiful, little Eden Marie...Mommy and Daddy love you.