We brought the Teddy Hearts bear with us today to get her heartbeat redone, and it's so loud and strong sounding! It was weird, but this morning when I got the bear out, I hit the button to hear the heartbeat we had in the bear, and it made half a beat, then stopped. I did it again, and it did the same thing! Then I tried it one last time, and it wouldn't make a sound at all! I guess the batteries died or something, but the ultrasound place said they've never had that happen before! Luckily, they gave us a new heartbeat box, with her current heartbeat in it, and I hope it never stops working!
Tonight I've been doing some research about induction for VBACs and stuff, and even though the statistics say it only increases the risk of a uterine rupture to 1% (not using prostaglandins), the number still scares me (and this is on TOP of knowing repeat c-sections are riskier at the time and to subsequent pregnancies!). Anencephaly only happens once in every 1000 pregnancies, yet it happened to me! I guess I feel like the odds won't be in my favor, even though I know that's ridiculous. I just pray that a uterine rupture isn't in God's plan for me, because we really would like more children after Eden. I'm praying so hard for an easy, quick, and peaceful birth for both my own and Eden's sake.
I'm still undecided if I'll be induced around 37 weeks. On one hand, it's not giving my body the chance to decide when to go into labour, but on the other hand, it's very possible I won't go into labour spontaneously with this kind of pregnancy, no matter how long I wait. One one hand, being pregnant longer theoretically means more time with Eden alive (though still in my stomach), but on the other hand being smaller could give Eden a better chance at being born alive (due to less pressure on her head during birth), which we desperately want more than anything right now. And despite everything - despite the fact that I would carry Eden forever if it meant she could live, despite God carrying me through this, making it so much "easier" than I could have imagined (easier isn't the right word, but I don't know how else to describe it), and despite feeling blessed and honored to have been chosen as Eden's Mommy, I'm getting to that point in the pregnancy where I just want to be done. It's a normal part of any pregnancy, I'm sure, but I feel guilty for feeling it, because of what it means for Eden. I'm getting to the point physically where I just want to be done, and emotionally...well forget about it - I've felt enough emotions during this pregnancy to last me my whole life, from total despair and sorrow, to pure love and joy (well, I could probably never feel enough love and joy to last my whole life).
At this point, I think we are still are just going to wait and see as we progress - if I don't develop polyhydraminos, and if Eden doesn't seem to be as large as my first daughter was, then we'll probably wait to see if I go into labour myself, but if things get even harder for me physically (and I don't mean normal things - I mean like the issues I had with my sciatic nerve or SPD making it so I could barely walk last time), it might be considered, but not with lots of prayer for guidance. I really hope God will take it out of my hands, but I might have to accept at some point that He is just going to trust me with this decision, and I'm going to have to be the one to decide if and when to induce.
Anyways, I could go on for hours, but instead I'll just leave you with some pictures from today. Please continue to send your prayers up for us! It warms my heart to know that there are people out there thinking about us and asking God to help us get through this.
|30+4 weeks, her face and hand.|
|30+4 weeks, her face and hand.|
|30+4 weeks, her ear.|
|30+4 weeks, her face and hand. Looks like she's smiling again!|
|30+4 weeks, her profile with her hand under her chin.|
|30+4 weeks, her foot. Loooong toes like her sister!|