I'm 34 weeks pregnant now, and time isn't going any slower. The last week has been fairly stressful. We got hit with a nasty stomach bug that had me sick for a few days, and my husband sick for a few days, this of course, results in a paycheck that makes me cry, but God always takes care of us. I'm starting to stress about the coming month, because I know my husband will be taking off work when Eden is born, but I also know I need to set my worries aside and let God deal with them. On a bright note, my father, brother, uncle, and husband got the roof finished on Saturday (minus a couple pieces of metal we were short), and so we now have no leaks in the house anymore! I can also tell that there's a noticeable difference in the temperature staying regulated when the temperature changes outside (I guess insulation does that).
I don't think I'm ready for the coming month... I'm so afraid about what's going to happen, if I'll go into labour myself, if I'll be able to have a successful VBAC, if Eden will be born alive, how much time we'll get with her, if we'll remember to do all the things we need to do to capture our memories of her forever, and so much more...I'm also afraid of how I'm going to feel when I'm not pregnant anymore and don't have a baby. I plan on pumping to donate, so at least I shouldn't get that huge hormone shock that comes with not breastfeeding, but I'm still afraid of postpartum depression. I struggled with it a little after Brooklyn was born after ending up with a c-section, but "at least I had a healthy baby", so I didn't feel like I was "allowed" to feel down, and I guess I just ignored it long enough that it just went away.
I pray so hard that I have a normal birth this time...I'm going to be devastated if I end up with another c-section on top of everything else. I really can't handle the thought of the number of c-sections I have determining how many children we are able to have. I'm also terrified that something catastrophic is going to happen, and I'm going to end up losing my uterus or something else that would make Eden my last child. I know that is highly unlikely, but so was having a baby with anencephaly, yet that happened to me. I know God gave Eden to us because He knew we would make her life matter. It was all part of His plan, and for whatever reason, He thought (or rather, knew) that we'd do His will with her life...but that doesn't stop me from getting crippling thoughts about what other devastating things might be His plan - what if Brooklyn is meant to be the only child I'll ever get to raise? What if I have to go through this again with another pregnancy and lose another baby? What if I lose Brooklyn or James or my mom or my dad or someone else in my family? These thoughts go through my mind nearly every day.
This is why I need your continued prayers. I'm finding it harder each day to hold on to the peace I've found. When my back starts hurting, or I start getting painful braxton hicks from standing or sitting too long, or I can't get comfortable at night, or Brooklyn wakes me at 5 in the morning and I feel like I'm going to pass out from exhaustion, I just get angry and sad all at the same time that I'm not even going to get "rewarded" for my suffering with a healthy baby in the end. The healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy is what makes all this worth it. The throwing up, and the constant nausea, the heartburn, the back aches. Nobody would go through any of that just for the fun of it. I said it when I was pregnant with Brooklyn, and I stick with it now. I hate being pregnant. I love feeling the kicks (when they aren't painful), and I love watching my stomach move around, but the rest of it? I could totally do without. There are women out there who love being pregnant, but I'm not one of these women. Regardless, I'd be pregnant 100 years for either of my kids, Brooklyn and Eden alike, but I can't say that I'd gladly do this again just to have to lose another child. Don't get me wrong, I'd never make any other choice than to carry and love my child to the fullest, no matter the outcome, but I would be downright angry to have to go through this again. There would be no gladly about it. I just want a healthy baby; is that so much to ask?