Sunday, October 21, 2012

This feels so wrong to be writing...

I don't even know how to start this post... I'm at a loss for words, and each blog post I write comes with the pain of my reality, and I don't know how to deal with this reality. Saturday morning, at about 1 or 2 in the morning, we were awoken by my parents coming into our house. My mom said she had to tell me something, and from just looking at her face, I knew. My grandmother, Mema, had passed away. My sweet Mema...the one person who would call every single birthday and sing to us, the person who used to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to me, and take nature walks with us kids collecting little rocks, and nuts, and flowers, and could always find a four-leaf clover every time she looked at the ground.

It seems completely surreal, and I think I'm still in shock, because I just feel numb. I don't understand. It was so unexpected...none of us were expecting this. We've been preparing to lose Eden, not my grandmother. This just isn't fair, and I feel like God has thrown us a curve ball. Why now? Why would God let this happen to us all at once? My family doesn't need more pain of losing someone! 

I still don't know what I'm supposed to be writing here...everything just feels so wrong. This was not supposed to be part of our story...I've been terrified of losing someone else in my family, but it wasn't supposed to happen! I've been telling myself that it's just a silly worry, and that God surely wouldn't let something like this happen in the midst of what we are going through with Eden. Now I keep wondering if my other "silly worries" will also become my reality. I keep wondering if I'm going to make it through childbirth with Eden. I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to have more children after Eden...this whole time, even before finding out about Eden, I've had a feeling of dread and worry that something terrible is going to happen to me when I have this child. Just a stupid, silly worry I keep telling myself, but now... I guess only God knows my future, but it'd sure be nice to get some reassurance that I can at least give Eden a normal, peaceful birth, and that I'll come out physically unharmed in the end of this. Is that really so much to ask for?

This just really sucks. There are no other words for it. I know Mema is pain-free, and dancing at the feet of Jesus right now, but it just really freaking sucks for the rest of us. I wanted more time with her. My whole life, she's been 1200 miles away, and I looked forward to the "Mema trips" each year. About 5 months ago, she moved out here to spend more time with us all, but I still feel like that wasn't enough time! We all wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her, and Christmas with her, and we wanted her to experience the loving-craziness of our families getting together for the holidays...I don't know that any of us even considered that she maybe wouldn't get to experience those things with us. I assumed nothing bad was going to happen to her, just as I had assumed Eden would be healthy. Her passing away any time soon wasn't something I was worried about in any realistic realm of my mind, because she seemed relatively healthy. These fears of losing my loved ones are supposed to be just stupid paranoid thoughts with no real bearings. It's supposed to be "normal" to have these fears with what we are facing, but they weren't supposed to become realities! I woke up this morning, and just really hated the reality of my life right now. It all feels like this huge bad dream that I can't wake up from. I don't want to lose my child, and I didn't want to lose my grandmother, yet this is my reality. I'm thankful that I have my husband, and Brooklyn, and that the rest of my family is healthy and safe, but the reality of how fragile life really is is terrifying.

Please, please pray for my family. For my mom, and aunts, and uncle, and for all of my cousins, and my sisters and brother, and everyone who treasures Mema so dearly. Please also keep me and Eden in your prayers. She's been transverse, it feels like she keeps going from head-down to transverse, and back again, but if she goes and stays transverse and we can't turn her, I'll have to have a c-section, and I don't think I could handle that again physically or emotionally.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12


  1. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. It just doesn't seem fair! Just know that you have many many people thinking of and praying for you right now. :)

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss :( It seems cruel that you were thrown this curveball as you're getting so close to Eden's EDD. Stay strong or at least steady, you'll get through this.

  3. May your family gather and comfort each other as you celebrate the life well live by your beloved Mema. You are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult and unexplainable time.