Sunday, December 9, 2012

Missing Eden

We miss Eden so much... I can't believe that she would have already been 2 weeks old  tomorrow. Time goes by so fast, and already details from her birth and short time with us are getting fuzzy. I cry daily, more so at night than during the day. I guess I keep busy enough during the day to stay distracted, but things slow down in the evening and my mind is filled with thoughts and memories of our little girl.

The last couple days I've slept a lot - the majority of my day, and then I have ended up staying up very late as a result. My schedule is completely thrown off with having James home these past couple of weeks, but I'm so grateful that he was able to stay home with us. He's going back to work on Tuesday (I have a follow-up doctor appointment tomorrow), and I'm dreading it. I'm so afraid of being home alone with Brooklyn all day's similar to the fear I had when Brooklyn was first born, being afraid of him going back to work and not being able to manage a newborn, but instead I'm being left home with a toddler and empty arms desperately wishing for my newborn. I know that my parents will be there for me, that they won't let me be alone all day, but I still wish my husband could stay home.

165 ounces of colostrum and milk
I've been pumping my milk to donate. Yesterday I gave away 165 ounces of colostrum and milk that I've pumped since being home. It doesn't seem like much, but I know that it'll help someone who needs it. It was sort of hard to give away Eden's milk, but a sweet lady is going to be making me a Breast milk pendant, so I'll be able to keep some of Eden's milk with me long after I've stopped pumping.

I've struggled today to pump enough times - I slept way too late, and then went back to sleep right after pumping and slept through another pumping session. Brooklyn has been nursing a ton though, so I'm hoping she helps keep my supply up on days when I just can't seem to get enough pumping done. I want to keep pumping for as long as I can. It helps me feel like Eden's life will continue to make a difference, that I'm somehow keeping part of her alive, but it's hard to pump and watch a toddler at the same time. I am hoping that I'm able to continue when James goes back to work, but I'm not sure that Brooklyn is going to let me. As of right now, James has to occupy Brooklyn every time I sit down to pump, because she immediately wants to get into my lap and pull at the pump. I did order some vitamins that will help keep my milk supply up, so hopefully even if I can't pump much during the day, I can at least get a morning pump and evening pumps in, with Brooklyn nursing throughout the day.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish we had Eden back in our arms. Please continue to pray for us. I know this holiday season is going to be a hard one for us, but I also know God will carry us through it.

Me with Eden


  1. You are so strong mamma! Eden chose the best mommy for her, she really did (((hugs)))

  2. I have followed your story from the beginning. I so admire your courage, love, transparency and your faith. I have prayed and will continue to pray for you and your family. I love who you are!!! I pray God will bless you with comfort and peace and sweet memories of your precious daughter. I am so glad that we KNOW we will spend eternity with Eden in the presence of our Father God! Thank you for sharing this experience with me! I will never forget you or Eden!