Monday, November 25, 2013

Happy Birthday, My Little Angel

Tomorrow is Eden's first birthday...I can not believe my baby would have been a year old already...I remember when Brooklyn turned a year old, how I planned her birthday party out weeks in advance. It was such an exciting milestone to be coming up on. This time I've been planning how I'm going to get through the next coming days and honor my daughter's memory...

The last week or so has been more difficult for me than the last few months. As I get closer to when I went into labour with Eden, memories keep coming back, along with the realization that I've already lost some memories of her. I think back to the day she was born and so much of it is a blur. I remember her sweet face, and I remember that she cried a few times, but I don't remember her exact cry unless I watch the video of right after she was born. I don't remember what the outfit we put her in looked like; I don't remember what color her little hat was. I thought I'd remember every detail of her and that day, but I don't and it makes me sad. I'm so grateful that I have the photos to remind me of things I've forgotten. If I didn't have the photos and video of her, so much of that day would be lost to me. 

I've struggled with coming up with ways to honor our little girl this year. We've moved recently, so I no longer have the freedom of walking outside to Eden's little tree, I think I will try to go to a park or something and sit and remember Eden and release balloons for her as long as it isn't too freezing cold. I will explain to Brooklyn how it's her sister's birthday in Heaven, and I will have her make a card for her sister that we'll put in a special box, and though she's a little too young this year to understand it fully, I think it will become a yearly tradition to keep her sister's memory alive. She sort of remembers Eden, and knows the pictures we have on our wall is Eden, but I'm not sure she actually remembers seeing her a year ago. I wouldn't expect her to remember meeting her, since she was a couple months shy of two, but some memory is there at least.

I know I've been horrible about updating about my current pregnancy; this month has been difficult for me. I did have the ultrasound on November 12th, and the specialist said things look good, but "everything can't be ruled out until the 20 week ultrasound." I did see the baby appeared to have a full head, though I didn't get good enough pictures to fully reassure me, and the tech had the screen turned away from me for most of the ultrasound. I do think they would have noticed and said something if the baby had anencephaly since that's definitely something you can see at 13 weeks, so I think I are safe, but I'm still so nervous to give a definitive answer until I have somebody straight out tell me that the baby is healthy. I don't think I'll stop worrying until this baby is finally in my arms. Once I do have my 20 week ultrasound, I'll update with more information.

Happy birthday, my sweet Eden. I love you dearly.

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