Saturday, November 22, 2014

Eden's 2nd Birthday

Eden's second birthday is very quickly approaching. Last year, I embraced my sadness, and I was able to mourn and celebrate my daughter in the days leading up to and on her birthday, but this year I feel like I've tried not to think about it, and I have realized that I've been avoiding my own feelings about it, because things are different this year. Last year I was pregnant. I was around 15 weeks or so along, and I was mostly assured that we were expecting a healthy baby, but I don't think the reality that we'd have a baby in the end kicked in until much later. This year I have that healthy baby. She's a beautiful, and wonderful 6 month old who gives me so much joy that I feel like my heart will burst when I look at her. She fits into our family so perfectly that I can't imagine a life without her in it, but I know that if Eden had been healthy, we probably wouldn't have our little Rosalie, and that reality tears at my emotions.

Sometimes when I'm missing Eden, that thought occurs to me. I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and confusion. Can I wish that Eden had been healthy and lived, knowing that we wouldn't have Rosalie if she had? And is it okay to feel such joy and love when I look at Rosalie's sweet little smile, while knowing in the back of my mind that we had to lose a daughter to gain a daughter? This is the source of my avoidance, because it's so difficult for me to separate these emotions and feel sad and longingly wish for my second daughter back, while being so completely in love with my third daughter and happy for her existence. I can only take comfort in knowing that Eden is looking down on us and her little sister. God's plan for me wasn't to raise Eden, but to raise Rosalie. Eden's life was meaningful, and she fulfilled her purposes and affected more lives than I can imagine.

I really miss you, my precious Eden, and I want to thank you for sending me your sister, Rosalie. She has brought us such love and joy, just as you did. Happy Birthday, baby girl.

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